and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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