I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
