Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
