Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
