for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I didn't notice because vodka
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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