I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
