At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
