In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
