youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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