im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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