I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
