So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
