Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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