I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
