i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
