I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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