so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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