I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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