i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
