She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
