this beer tastes like vomit already
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
