Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Never joke about your clitoris.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
