WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
