My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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