walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
