All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
