i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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