hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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