One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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