I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The air was thick with penises
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
