if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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