so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
