i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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