FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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