He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
God, I missed his penis.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
