Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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