he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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