My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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