i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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