Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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