Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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