Tell her she can't have a vagina
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
