Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
