you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
