please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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