why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
