i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
