I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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