I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
