so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
