So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
even my farts smell like vagina
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
