You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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